“I find it interesting when I am asked whether Kaur is part of my name. It was confusing for me because its not really part of my name. My father wanted me to be different, without any limitations, so Kaur was purposely left out. I have to say though, not having that four-letter word included has caused me to question so much. For example, I was the only Sikh girl in my school, without it. I didn’t know the language in terms of reading and writing Panjabi. It wasn't until I had a conversation with a a good friend who had more knowledge in the religion that things became clearer. He provided some relief in helping me realize that I was a Kaur, with or without this word. What really mattered was how I lived my life and what I did to be a good person. From that moment my life changed, I was given a sense of peace.
I believe we are in control of our thoughts, decisions, and take action. We have the power to be as positive as we want. Growing up, I was outgoing and had no problem walking up to anyone and starting up a conversation. Physically, I didn’t fit society’s ideal look and I was told constantly to be skinny or quieter. I was never overweight, I was more so chubby. I would shrink my personality and feel guilty for how I looked.
I was constantly told what I should and should not be eating. I took all the critiquing as not being accepted. I felt alone a lot of the time and would sit on the floor of my closet listening to Bollywood music, crying, thinking, and praying. When I was 19 years old, I broke my foot and gained weight. That made the feedback and comments more frequent.
As I get older, I can better understand that this constant need for feedback about my body was a way to protect me in a way. People, close to me, thought they had an obligation to tell me to lose weight before I heard comments from other people. Things like who will marry you or accept you as a daughter-in-law, if you look the way you do, Really though, they were making me feel alone, unaccepted and unloved. They were blinded by what they wanted, rather than understanding loving me meant accepting me as I am.
I think my butterfly moment came when one day I got tired of comments like you have such a pretty face, you just need to fix the rest of your body. I took control by dancing to my favourite music in my room. It increased my energy from 0 to 100. Its my form of exercise, I do it for me. Then something coincidental happened during hangout sessions with my close friends. They all suggested I use my humour and energy to create YouTube videos to document my weightless journey to achieve a healthy body inside and out for the girl I was growing up and for girls like me who are sitting in their closets, feeling unloved and doubting themselves.”